childhood memories

I was seven...........
or eight..not quite sure,but I was young enough to still enjoy the sights sounds and smells of the world..play make believe at my grandparents farm, revel in the sunshine and be mystified by the prickles on a fuzzy catepillar creeping along a crab apple tree....
there were puppies...always puppies...for you see..they lived on a farm, had hunting dogs ...bloodhounds, blue ticks, setters, and mutts.
They all, always had puppies. I would sit and watch the "prized " mother in her pen , her teets hanging as the babies sucked them dry...scrambling over her to get fed. I'd always ask if I could have the runt...and I would be affectionately informed that it wouldn't make it & would more than likely be buried soon...
I always liked the runts, I would steal then away, run off to the big barn, hang out it the hay loft and enhale deeply the sent of those doomed creatures. Some made it, others did not.
the ones that did would lick my toes...and I would go home to the city , unwashed smelling of dirt, dog and hay.
Renee was my first sight of crazy. She was uncle Rogers girlfriend after Dora...Dora taught me how to pee like a lady in the woods, she was country, but pretty and not nuts...
Renee however was. She had that mad hell bent on destruction look in her eyes, and wild hair that was bleached orange and stuck up ..it reminded me of the rabbits nests we'd find when Sugar ( pappy's wiener dog) would dig em out and leave them on the porch as presents.. baby bunnies included.
Her eyes were black and they shined ....she always had a sick smile..twisted ...and you just knew she had a secret.
I hated her, her smell, the way she touched him made me feel weird. Sex never made me uncomfortable,....but she did things...I think, just to see if I would twitch, grabbing his ass...and looking at me like .....well with that same twisted sick smile
Everyone was gone..she was playing with the puppies....and grinning....
I didn't want to touch them after that..they were mostly black, with lil white patches on their feet.
She took the small ones out ........
Everyone came home and she went back inside.
I decided to go see the runts, they needed to be washed...
they were not there...
The camper on the back of Pappy's truck was open...it was Never open..
So I climbed inside...
I saw a paw, sticking out of the foam mattress in the back.....
She really was a monster, she killed the runts, there were two in this litter...
and now, they were dead.....just like they had said.

Weddings....

These are all of my little sister's wedding.. I am so PROUD of her.. Ya see.. I always thought she would end up a crazy cat lady ( she has her master's of Library science) ... but .. she is now all growed up.. married.. YES MARRIED. .has a 5 bedroom house.. takes fun vacations and has a man that loves her.. It's pretty stellar. I was her maid of honor.. I can't believe she asked me.. I did her makeup, floral arrangements & centerpieces.. I didn't exactly like the way she wanted everything.. but it was HER DAY ( some of our family forgot that ) .. and cried b/c they didn't have earrings..

It all went off w/ out a hitch.. even though I flipped a second when the spider started climbing up her back while they were saying the vows.. guess that is what happens when you have it outdoors???

Dancing Queen

You all know I am retarded ..
So, cheers to me, got a new job making about 10 grand more a year with way better benefits.. so my mom decided to take me to dinner & movie to celebrate.. (ya know I had to, cause I am single..(boohiss)..
Anyway, we went to see Mama Mia.. and I'll be damned if that movie didn't make me cry my eyes out, laugh, and hoot& holler just like I do at Hit & Run shows..
Ya see, if you know me, you know how much I love to dance, it makes me happy, feel young again and forget all my troubles..
If there's music, and children,.. we are shaking our money maker's
Where did I get this from???
Well, when they were singing dancing queen, my mom could barely stay in her seat, and SHE IS THE REASON
I know I say she drives me nutty, but I love her.. So as we are sittin there, boppin along and crooning out of tune I started to cry.. HAPPY TEARS>
She looks over and asks what is wrong,, and I told her " I get this from you"......
( as I remember her in her youth, long hair parted down the middle , skintight yellow t-shirt (HUGE BOOBS) (yea where are mine??), macrame necklace, skintight bellbottom jeans, minus the shoes.. teaching Kristi & I the pony and mashed potato, then just dancing freeeee around the house to Steppenwolf....she was sooo shiny and I swear back then she glowed)
So she pats my face like she always has when the tears are falling, says " I love you too dear" and proceeds to hold my hand.. which I honestly didn't mind.. I miss holding hands.. and if you are 35 and can cry in a movie theatre, dance and gigggle while singing like strangled cats.. well , Life AIN"t SO BAD..
She needed it as much as I did right about then.. I kept thinking about my friends mom, and how she won't get any more moments.. .and I'll be damned if I took away my mom's just b/c I might be a little embarressed.. I can't imagine how I'm gonna feel when Evan doesn't need or want me anymore. I know it must hurt, there is worry, and a feeling of pride.. but sadness too...
I have decided from now on I never again want to say to myself " IF ONLY".....you don't get 2nd chances very often
that is why I took the new job.. and why I do everything lately.. if you get a thousand txts it's cause tomorrow I may not be able to...
Find your happiness.. the thing that makes you remember YOUTH,..no matter how foolish you think it would be at OUR AGE.. or any age for that matter..
BE A DANCING QUEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!